Balance.

I spoke to a friend earlier this evening about a somewhat messy situation that caused a little bit of friction between us. Once her story and my story were put together, the whole story made more sense and we were able to move on from it with a better understanding of each other. Although I have had my fair share of good friends gone bad, I am always open to potentially good people. I mean, who has perfect friends?

Im writing this because I am grateful to be able to connect with this new friend. As I get older and start to put a lot pieces together, it gets harder to feel like I can make new friends. I wouldn't say that I am jaded, just able to see through the bullshit a lot faster. Hence a lot of that time I would normally spend getting to know somebody, gets a little shorter when I see that they are not up to par. Which is why I cherish the friends I have now. I am very independent and may seem to fall off at times, but I promise that I never leave my friends behind. My heart is much too big for that.

So yes, mistakes happen but if its worth it, there is always a way to balance it out.

I can go on about myself and my characteristics, but my actions describe me better. ;)

Totally unrelated, these are test pics for Madison Kelly bags.

Where's Mikey?

Good times.

Fear is the Enemy.

In this year, I have been published twice: Once in Nylon magazine and once in AMNY. Because these opportunities came fast and without me fully understanding how hard it can be to get into a publication, I haven't really enjoyed it...or given myself the proper credit. When I say credit, I don't mean telling other people...I mean telling MYSELF. Yes, I got these shots through an amazing friend, but if I were garbage, I wouldn't be in Nylon Magazine, would I?

So, there is a fear in me. I think I have been living with this fear since I got laid off last year. Like, what am I going to do with myself? How am I going to make that much money again? Was I really that good or was I just lucky? All of that shit that I just pollute my mind with...it all comes from this fear of me not being good enough. It doesn't just come from me either. It was also fueled by people around me too. If you are reading this, you know who you are.

Negative friends aside, I allowed all of this fear to build up in my head, but not my heart. I have a lot to offer and Im gonna be diligent. I may not know exactly what I want, but I know I love to work...and this is a start.

Tomorrow (or later today), I have a little shoot with a celebrity that will hopefully get published as well. Yes, me and my beat up Rebel XSI are working overtime. I also want to add that my camera makes me insecure too. lol I show up to these events with my beginners camera and this shitty fucking lens and all of these other photographers, and even random bystanders, have better equipment then me! lol a mess! I have to control myself from putting my camera away. But you know what? I gotta start somewhere, right?

Fear is an enemy that I must conquer with hard work and determination.

Here are a few pics that I took in the last few weeks. Some were backstage at the Operations Show for Fashion Week, VMA Gift Suite and a shoot I did with a friend for her book.

Lies can hurt and destroy lives

Where do I begin? I guess from the very beginning.

In 2001, I met a guy named (this name is made up) Italy and we became close very fast. He was gorgeous, charming, inteligent, and was what I needed at that time: A friend and somebody to be intimate with no strings attached. But of course, as time passed, we both crossed quite a few lines and things started to get blurry. He then went overseas for about a year and we kept contact via email. Nothing deep, just small messages here and there. When he got back, we kind of fell back into that friends with benefits relationship. Only this time it wasn't the same. There was something not right about the both of us.

It seemed as if we wanted more but because he wasn't totally out of the closet, it was nothing that either of us were actively pursuing. I didn't think it was my place to help him out of the closet nor did I want to hurt myself by being a secret boyfriend. Not cute. The weirdness continued and we eventually lost contact for a close to 5 months. This is where it gets a little fucked up. lol Italy called me out of the blue and said he wanted to go out for drinks and chill. I had no ill feelings towards him, so I agreed and met up with him.

He asks me what I have been doing for the last 5 months and I tell him. Once Im done, I ask him what he has been up to. So, he says that he met the ONE and they were in love. So much in love, that he came out to his family and friends about it and even introduced him to them all. You know, that whole time, I was telling him how awesome that was...but on the inside I was UPSET! Like, wow...how could u string me along for over a year and then in a few short months, u not only meet somebody new, but u changed ur entire life! wow..awesome dude! lol

Anyhoo, that is how I felt at that moment, and well...maybe a few months after that too. lol BUT, I got over it and realized that it is what it is. It just wasn't meant to be and Im happy if you're happy. I just wasn't the one and I was fine with it. Italy said he had to tell me because he considered me to be a good friend. So I put all my pride to the side and supported him because he was a really good guy. And again, I just wasn't the one. But at least I could still have his friendship. Win/Win.

They ended up moving in together and seeming like a really happy couple. A few years pass and we have minimal contact. Calls during the holidays, birthdays etc. I get a call from him in mid 2006 and he tells me they broke up late last year (2005). We catch up and hung out a few times during the summer in NYC and in Boston. Fast forward to the end of 2006, and I run into his Ex at clubs and he throws a lot of hate my way. Lots of hate. I was at a club, drunk off Patron shots and Long Islands one night and he tried to attack me for no reason. It was a big scene and he was shouting at me..but like for real..at the top of his lungs type shit. I was barely coherent because I was SO drunk.

After that, I called Italy and told him what happened in the club and if there was something I should know about it. He was shocked and said he had no idea why his Ex would do such a thing and that he would call him to resolve whatever issue there was. There were other situations where this Ex was trying to harm and intimidate me on his own and through 3rd parties. It was very random and each time, I called Italy and would tell him everything. Well, after awhile, Italy just stopped taking my calls and the harassment from his ex continued. It was very spaced out and always very left field, so I was always caught off guard.

This happened from 2006 to last year, 2008. Once I moved to NYC, his ex reached out to me via email with some kind of message about how I did him a favor for "sending that email." I had no idea what that meant, so I pulled a few strings, got his number and called him. Yeah, this man been stalking me for years now, Im not doing the email shit! okay! Bitch, Im not trying to get anything lost in translation! LOL You gon TALK me about this shit!

So we had a long convo and to make a long story a little less long, after about 2 hours of talking, we realized that Italy played us. Apparently, Italy broke up with him because of an email that his ex sent to somebody else. Italy told him that I was the person who informed him of this email and after that, their relationship was done. The ending of the relationship saw his ex being so devastated that his life went into a tailspin. He ended up doing a stint in jail, began doing other illegal things and was having sex for money. So, all of that hurt and anger was then directed towards ME.

Meanwhile, I had no idea of any email. I was told by Italy, that they simply grew apart. I had no idea there was this whole backstory going on..let alone that I was at the center of that shit! So the Ex had all of this resentment towards me for ruining his life. At some point shortly before he sent me that message, he found out that Italy was cheating on him the whole time. So he then became grateful that I had sent Italy that infamous email. Which of course, I never did. Aint this a mess? The Ex even told me that at some point, he was planning on jumping me with his cousin. All that, over a lie. Because Italy was such a fucking coward and didn't know how to break off his relationship. He couldn't be a fucking man and be direct...he had to try and ruin 2 lives so that he could fuck freely.

Thats why he stopped taking my calls...because he didn't want to see or be bothered with the mess that he created. Its almost been a year since I have received that email from the Ex...but I saw Italy in a club last weekend and his face froze. We ignored each other, but he left shortly after he saw me. So yeah, I figured I would post this mess.

I would confront Italy about the situation, but honestly, I just want it to stay in my past. You know, liars don't tell the truth. Thats why they are liars! Don't try to get a liar to tell you the truth, it will only wear you out. You will not get the truth.

So yeah, lies can destroy shit.

I also want to add that I am fully aware that the ex could have lied to me and of course his life spiraling out of control was totally his own doing.

I wanted to post something...

...but I just don't feel like talking.

Trusting.

I asked a question on my twitter and received a unanimous answer. The question was "would u trust a person who sleeps with their friends ex boyfriends, dates and boyfriends?" everybody answered "no." I then asked if they could be friends with somebody they can't trust. The answer was also, no. I have to say that I agree.

Custom Shades Rock!!!

With the help of my friend Ellis, I was able to take these pics. These shades make for good pics. I got them from these very talented twins, Coco and Breezy. I met them in SoHo last month and was floored by their funky style and amazing shades. They were literally causing a scene on Broadway. People were slowing down to look at them. Anyhoo, they are very sweet and made these shades for me. You can place orders on their website: cocoandbreezy.com

Dear Aaliyah,

It has been 8 years since you have left and I have made it a point to (try) dedicate a post to you every year. Be it on your birthday or on your passing. Aaliyah, your music inspired me to be as crazy into music as I am today. When you first came out with Age Ain't Nothing But A Number, I loved every single song on it. It was the first time that I realized I could become invested in an artist. When you disappeared between Age Aint Nothing But A Number and One in a Million, I panicked and read every music mag I could in order to find news on you. It was then that I started becoming music business savvy. And in true law of attraction fashion, I attracted many people in my life involved in and around music (or music school lol).

When One in a Million came out, I was floored at how different your music was. Actually, I was a bit confused because it sounded like nothing I had heard before. Sure, there was different music everywhere and I wasn't blind to it...but not in r&b. Not in pop and not in hip hop. Then came my interest in shiny pants from Tommy Hilfiger and my eyewear fetish lol. I even got the Yoji Yamamoto sunglasses you wore in If Your Girl Only Knew. I still have them to this day.

Somewhere between your first 2 albums, I became a dancer (was in a few dance groups and an urban dance company) and used One In A Million in one of my high school productions. The dance group I was in at the time did the song justice and I felt so good for being able to share my talent and love of your music. You released 6 singles from that album, sold 8 million world wide and proved that you were not the one hit wonder people predicted you to be.

By the time your 3rd album, Aaliyah, came out, you starred in Romeo Must Die, won an MTV VMA for Try Again, completed Queen of the Damned and were filming your parts in The Matrix. I was SO happy for you! I not only watched and invested in your growth, but I grew with you. We were the same age and our birthdays are a month apart. We both shared a connection to Sade (and I recently realized that you both share the same bday) and it seemed like the world was finally paying attention to all of your hard work.

However, on Aug 25, 2001, you got on that plane and never made it out alive.

I cried sincere tears for you and myself. I was going thru some young love shit at the time and this was the last thing I needed. But you know, everything happens for a reason and although I would love to have you here for the world to enjoy, you left a lasting impression on music (and me) and I could honestly not ask for anything more. You help put the wheels in motion and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, Aaliyah...you are apart of the soundtrack of my life and nothing can change that.

May you be resting in peace somewhere along with Biggie and Lefteye.

Missing you,

Mike Milan

I Choose.

Thats right, I choose. I choose everything that goes on in my life. The good, the bad...all of it. I think we are all aware that we have chosen the path that we are on..but to fully understand it is something entirely different. I understand it now and I refuse to short change myself. Easier said then done, but I feel like something has snapped in my mind. I only have ONE life and I am living it now. Its so basic, but when I really think about how much I am missing because of my choices, I think about how I need to stop being so scared to lose something I don't even have yet. And really, who gets everything without failing at some point? So I am getting myself to a place where I can just do shit without doubting myself.

Again, easier said then done...but I am so ready for this change.

On another note, my good friend Bory came to visit from Boston. She is the most optimistic person in my life. She breathes a lot of joy into my heart and I always love when she visits. Here are just a few pics from our fun weekend:

Back to Face.

I haven't shaved in 10 months. I only trimmed my beard and shaped it up...but a beard is a beard. Now, here I am with my mustache/goatee. Its a look i have rocked forever and its nice to see that after almost a whole year of something else, I can still go back to the beginning.

FYI, this pic is not photoshopped!

Dumb Date.

I had a shitty date 2nite. I'm going to describe it..but I don't want u to think that its a roast because its not. A guy on facebook asked me out on a dinner date. I was a little surprised because I haven't had that happen before. Honestly, online, people usually ask to hangout or to have sex. Lol I know...but its true.

Anyhoo, I agreed to the date and went in with no expectations. We could be better off as friends, not be compatible at all, be super into each other, decide to skip it all and just fuck or whatever. So we meet up at the time and place that he chose, he asked me if I ate and I said no, we get to the restaurant and he then tells me that he ate before he got here and was too full to eat a meal. He decided he would get a small desert and something to drink.

I felt weird because I didn't want to eat a whole meal while he ate a brownie. He then asked me if I wanted to leave and go to Coffee Shop. I thought he meant an actual coffee shop and not another restaurant named Coffee Shop, across the street. I said yes, and off we went. I was confused at first, but I went along with it. There was no desert menu (cuz they prolly show it to u after the meal) but he knew the menu and ordered a brownie and iced tea...you know what I ordered? Water. That's what I fucking ordered. "And what will u have?" "I'll have water. Thanks."

It was all downhill after that. I could not hide my disappointment, my face never lies. You know..I just don't get how u can set something like this up and show up with a full belly.

Ok, lets say that he lied. Maybe there was some other reason that he didn't want to share. He should have canceled. As a grown man, when u make plans to go out on a date, u should take accountability and try to make things right when they go wrong. There was no damage control. Just my water and his brownie.

In his defense, he seemed like a really nice guy and he really tried to get to know me and was asking lots of questions. He really tried to keep the convo going. But, I was hungry and annoyed...so it was a wrap.

We obviously won't be going on another date...ever. But I wish him the best of luck.

****ONE MORE THING****

I almost forgot about this part. While we were sitting at The Coffee House, he was trying to keep the convo going and actually said "Tell me about your last ex.." I thought it was so absurd....that I blocked it out. Who the fuck brings up failed relationships and ex's on a FIRST date?? a.mess.

Dummy.

This and That.

Lately, I have been thinking about...dating. (in my head) I have been kind of anti dating for close to a year now. Or maybe more. But...I thought of my last relationship and realized that I can't let that be the last relationship I ever have. I can't let that be the last time I fall in love. I don't want to take anything away from it or make it seem as if my last ex wasn't worthy, but I have so much love to give and I am sure that somebody out there deserves to have a good man. As do I.

I am not desperate nor am I going to do any searching...Im just letting myself know that I am finally open to the possibility. See, I mentioned here earlier this year that I believe I may never fall in love again and that I am ok with it. But once I thought about my relationship resume, I had a change of heart. lol

In that last relationship, I gave everything that I had but it didn't work. I am and always have been ok with it and have always known it was a great contribution to me as a person. All failed relationships have made me better for the next . Although my ex's will always have a place in my heart... there has to be more. And there will be...I know it. At first I believed that I would just move right along..but somehow I just got comfortable with the idea of being happily single forever. But that may come from the fact that my last relationship put me thru a lot.

Unknowingly, I shut down a little and my heart may have become a little lazy. However, I refuse to become a victim of love and war. I am too strong for that. My view of self worth is sometimes skewed because I forget that every aspect of my life counts. I deserve to give and receive love again.

Its just gonna happen when it happens.

I like that Freak Shit.

I like to party in different places with very different people. And no, these are not Halloween pics! ;)

Site Updates Coming Soon...

Its been a few years and I think I may finally give this blog its own address. I also need to change the banner. I want it to represent what I look like now (which changes often) and my surroundings. As far as the overall appearance of the site, I am most likely going to keep it the same. The meat and potatoes of this blog is the entries. So I dont need to go overboard with how it looks. The formula works and I am going to keep it that way.

As of now, life is taking place and I am very thankful for many things.

=)

Damn, Im tired!

Really, I am. I have been having symptoms of chronic fatigue for just about 2 weeks now. It started with the flu and now its this random tired shit. I look fine and I dont show it, but sometimes when Im out or working...I am DEAD on the inside. Seriously. Like Im a strong breeze away from being knocked over. My body wants to just lay out and do nothing. Lately, my head has been throbbing and at one point last week I felt my face got numb for a few seconds.

So yes, I am going to finally make an appointment with a doctor on Monday.

Now give me some monies. lol jkk

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I am still in good spirits. =)